hope in the heartbreak

Maybe you've been there...you have your life roughly planned out.
Go to college, get a good job, get married, have exactly 2 or 3 kids, live happily ever after.
Our plan was to get married, then go to college (have a baby there), have 2 more kids in different states after that, adopt one internationally, and share a life of ministry forever after.
After the birth of 3 biological kids which included 2 emergencies, that fourth and most adorable child came home through a beautiful adoption story. We thought our growing the family portion was coming to a close.
I mean, I could have a house full of people but my man knows his limits and thinks clearly and carefully about the reality of that dream. His thinking, praying and more thinking things through is a good balance to my excited and often not thought out ambitions.
Then the miracle came.
It came in the quiet. It wasn't a showy or loud miracle. Just a confirmation to him one summer day last year.
After 2 years of my asking for him to be open to just one more little one, I continued to find myself in a pile of tears.
I finally put down my manuscript  and allowed God to make the necessary edits.
 He didn't have peace and so he would respond in each conversation with the "quiver" is full.
I finally surrendered. Waved the flag. Moved forward and found peace in his seeking wisdom.
Then he spoke.
He shared with me how God had given him this unexplainable peace about adding the...
Last. One.
Oh my word. To say that I freaked out is a horrible understatement.
We stepped out and hoped that God was writing a new chapter
 that included filling our arms with a little person.
It was beyond miraculous that the heart of my husband would be moved from
"no stinking way" to "God asked me to say yes to one more".
As we stepped out expectantly  for God to come through in our obedience, we were oh so quickly humbled. We ate up 10 weeks of pregnancy excitement.
 I was never so happy to feel so frumpy.
Just in time for a Christmas surprise, came the heartache of a failed pregnancy.
I know at this point in the story, many of you have been here and because I hadn't experienced loss this way I had no idea of the emotions and hurt that was coming.
To you I say, "I am so very sorry."
God's mercy was real for me. He was close in our brokenness but we were still broken and maybe you are too. Hard, sad, dark days came and went. As I grieved the loss of not only a baby bundle, I also was grieving the loss of hope for another.And so the process began to heal and make peace when I had none. It was messy and I needed clarity. The weeks slipped away as they normally do. Life kept moving on and friends did the work of encouraging. The foggy picture of our family came back into view just in time for God to open my eyes.

He spoke to me. "Jenny. You need to continue to see this as a miracle. You are forgetting that your husband said YES. Isn't that the real beauty in this story? Maybe you need to see his obedience to step completely out in faith as the true miracle, not the baby in your arms."

I agreed after some arguing.

The reminders continue to come weekly to my email. "Your baby is 3 months old"

but I don't erase them. Several friends had the same due date, and I can treasure the miracles that fill their arms because I know God was being faithful even in our loss.

He journeyed closely with us and for that we are thankful.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted  and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 Sometimes we can't see how He is working all things out for His glory and not our own. Even when we try and make sense of it...we cant fully comprehend how the valleys and mountain tops have the ability mold our hearts to be more like his...until we are on the other side.


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