"That" Kind of Woman
It was nap thirty and y'all know what that means.
Mom is on a mission to find her margin and drink uninterrupted 3rd cups of coffee.
I spent much of my early mothering years not sure if it was okay to own nap time (and by "own" I mean - its mine).
No more chores, no prepping for a dinner, no mandatory problem solving via phone, email, texting, and absolutely no live talking unless we need to call an ambulance!
Of course there are occasional exceptions to the rule and many interruptions well worth my time and investment have taken a seat on my back porch to sort out life.
But for normal times...I guard those minutes.
The older I've grown and the smarter I've become along this mothering + ministry adventure...I know that without margin my light dims.
Something in me weakens when I only give and don't take in. I don't require mega maintience...even a mountain view fills me.
I know I'm not alone here right?
People try and talk to you when you long for silence and it feels like they have zapped the life out of you?
Maybe they ask you to do something for them that can wait ...you feel frustrated.
If you know me...I LOVE PEOPLE.
I treasure relationships and will go the extra 10 miles to be available and invested. Its me and I was created to be in.
But I am not super-powered and have learned the value of boundary. Burn out is just around the bend if you don't believe in boundaries. Eventually the over stretched Mom breaks.
I don't believe the guilt lie anymore either.
With 5 kids who all who need me and a husband who always has something on the to - do list it can be easy to get pulled in... and although he doesn't say how I should spend my 90 min of heaven, I still feel the tug to not exhale.
No one wins when we try to be that kind of woman. I've seen gals crash and burn trying to go crazy meeting needs and not stopping to care for self and soul.
So you get where I'm going with this. Yesterday my margin was not my own.
I was making my move to freedom with a stack of books, computer, headphones, pens, journal, bible, and cup of tea in tow. I was ready to settle in to my happy space when he came trailing behind me.
No he's not...I spoke to myself. Is he coming to sit with me?
Sunglasses on and computer in hand. Oh Lord help me because I love being needed and wanted but I'm no good without breathing room.
Then came the words, "Where are you going?"
Don't say something stupid, don't say something stupid.
I shot out, "To the table to do my stuff."
He reminded me, "I thought you wanted to be in this process and talk it out together."
I reminded him, "Of course I do and I have been for weeks, actually months - but I know my time will get swallowed up sitting here unless you have something specific - then I'm SUPER excited to talk about it."
Needless to say I pulled up the patio chair happily and we dove into sharing articles we have both read about new seasons of ministry, transitioning to a new church, and finishing strong where we are.
He shared some thoughts he was processing and I opened my journal and began to write down a list of what I was hearing him speak.
I loved hearing where he was. I loved adding feedback and truth. I would have regretted shutting down that opportunity but it honestly was not easy.
We finished up what he had on his heart and I felt like we moved to a fresh place for the week ahead when he said, "Go on and have your self time before Tills wakes."
We ALL know how this ends right?
He was already awake.
I had to eat my disappointment and desire of what I thought was my time to meet with God and refuel for the week ahead.
I gathered my game face and began to make lunch for the tribe of hungry people. It was in the kitchen mixing peanut butter cookie bars, where Jesus showed me that I was completely missing Him.
"Missing what, I questioned?"
Missing me showing you what you are asking for.
Missing me working out your hearts desire.
Missing me connecting you with your man.
"Ohhhhhhhh right. That is what I'm asking for."
Feeling desperate for quiet and a tiny break to think (without falling asleep - because that's the problem with margin at night right?) I found my bed and pillow and calmed my heart.
Sometimes we have our day so mapped out that we can't let go of some personal space to allow Gods grace to actually work out the very things we are seeking Him about.